Foot-in-Mouth Disease. I Has It.

What I should have said:
Hey, I brought you this shirt because they sent me an extra and I knew you liked golf as much as I do, plus I figure we wear the same size.


What I did say was devastating and involved the phrase "larger lady"and mentioned how my other friends are all so damn tiny.  I hate myself.

P, who watched it all go down, goes, "What was that?!"

I should not be allowed to leave the house. The sad thing is, that was me trying to be nice.

I Could Kiss Jack Black on the Lips

Not this Jack Black...

but this Jack Black

As a Colorado native and the owner of some severely dry, sensitive Irish skin, I have developed over the years what I call an affinity, though some may say addiction, obsession, or borderline hoarding tendency, for lip gloss, Chap-Stick, lip balm, you name it.  If it is not lipstick, but still goes on your lips, I will spend endless dollars buying it, typically only to wear it once or twice, decide it is slimy or drying or sticky or doesn't last long enough, and then banish it to a giant Zip-loc bag that resides in the back of my bathroom cabinet.  That bag probably contains at least a thousand dollars worth of lip accouterments that I should probably just throw away, but won't because I feel guilty about the whole thousand dollars thing. 

I was out for dinner and drinks with my best friend and my sister one night and we got on the subject of my lip gloss problem.  I defensively pointed out, while many of hers were probably dark lipsticks and fancy lip-glasses or the like, that if my best friend and I were to empty the lip-related contents of our purses right there at the table amidst the beer glasses and leftover nacho bits, her collection would surely rival mine.  So we did.  We had a duel of the lip gloss.  My purse contained 31 lip items (one for each day of the month maybe?).  My best friend had approximately 25.  So I like to think we are typical, if not completely average. 

Three of mine were cherry Chap-Sticks and the rest were items in the $10-20 dollar range.  So not even counting the Zip-loc of doom in my bathroom, I had several hundred dollars worth of lip gloss on my actual person.  And the only ones I have ever used more than a couple of times were the Chap-sticks because I could never find what I wanted in a lip gloss.  But I kept trying, kept searching for that holy grail of lipwear that would meet my needs.  And I think I just found it yesterday.

My monthly Sephora order came in the mail yesterday.  I was working from home, so I was able to scamper to the door and retrieve it just as soon as our big, old dog finished trying to maim the UPS man limb from limb through the window.  I have a Sephora problem that is directly associated with my lip gloss problem and made worse by my flat hair problem and my wrinkly forehead issue.  I probably drop $200 a month there.  I am not sure if I can stop until I have tried everything they offer.  And they offer a lot. Oh, also, please do not tell my husband that. I make my own money, and we are both "allowed" to do whatever we want with our fun money each month, but the look of disdain that would accompany his finding out that I spend so much on makeup and lip gloss and mousse each month would be upsetting to me.  So it is my secret.  My super amazing fun little secret!

As an addition to my usual order of Living Proof mousse and Fresh Black Tea Serum this month, I was tempted with a last minute offer of two Jack Black lip glosses for $10 at checkout.  Because I have never tried it before, and because I was curious about what I thought was a men's company making lip gloss, and because I am a marketer's dream-$$$-cha-ching-sucker-poster child, I accepted the offer and added the unassuming little buggers to my cart.  Little did I know that my life would change within mere moments of receiving my package.

I giddily opened my Sephora box yesterday, pulling out my usual goods, setting aside and then tearing into the new lip glosses first.  I received two flavors of Jack Black Intense Therapy Lip Balm in the box. Black Tea-Blackberry and Grapefruit-Ginger.  I tentatively applied some of the Grapefruit and waited for one of the following offenders, typical of many lip balms:

• the slime factor
• the sticky factor
• the nasty-taste factor
• the comes-out-way-too-fast-or-not-at-all factor
• the smells-like-crap factor 

I experienced none of the above on first application.  So I sat there at my computer doing actual writing work for the man and waited for some of the other lesser known lip balm issues. 
I waited for it to be gone within ten seconds of application (Kiehl's)
I waited for it to dry the hell out of my lips (also Kiehls, plus Smashbox, Bobby Brown, Clinique, MAC,and about a trillion others)
It did neither of those.  So, an hour later, when my lips still felt soft and glossed but not slimy, I decided to go look in the mirror.  What I found was that gorgeous matte-shine that you get from Kiehl's, but it had lasted more than a millisecond.  My lips looked totally kissable and moist without being too shiny.  I then experimented by adding a little lip liner for some color. I wanted to kiss myself.  And it lasted for three hours, even with drinking from my water bottle the entire time!  THREE!

I liked the Grapefruit flavor way more than the Blackberry, but I am not really a berry person, so if you are, I think it would work out just fine for you.  I am excited to order the other flavors like mint, lemon chamomile, and vanilla-lavender straight away.  Keep in mind, there is no taste to it, but it smells great. Also, they are all SPF 25!  (their website is getjackblack.com)

While I realize that this is a LOT of babbling to do about lip gloss, I think many Colorado women would agree about the importance of finding one that works, looks good, and holds up to our ridiculous dry weather, not to mention the skiing, biking, etc that we all do (I am assuming here based on wearing it to swim laps for an hour and still having some on afterwards). This is the best stuff I have ever had on my lips, and believe me, I am an EXPERT. That sounded kinda gross, but you know what I mean.  So barring any rash or irritation that I could experience a few days down the road (those labels always say discontinue use if you experience rash or irritation...I'm like ok, twist my arm) I think I have found my new best friend. My purse is going to be much lighter.

Oh, and I am obviously too new on this block to be receiving any sponsors or freebies for promoting products.  I am just seriously THAT into lip balm.  Kisses!!

Training to Ride 150 Miles

Is it just me, or is my bicycle seat made out of knives and old, rusty scissors? I feel like I've been on honeymoon with Wolverine.

In other news, my calves are starting to look sexy.  This could be what rids me of that last 10 (read 20) pounds.

Bad at Date Night

I am in a total daze today after getting up at five to swim before heading to work.  We had our golf league last night, too, so I was up later than anticipated.  I need to be in bed by 9:30 these days it seems. Old lady, here.

I didn't even want to do golf league this year, mostly because it is almost impossible for me to get all the way from my office to the golf course in less than an hour and a half or so, given that I have to drive there at rush hour to make a tee-time between four and six in the afternoon. I end up needing to leave work more than two hours early, which is hard when you are important, or more correctly, would like to be someday.  I told P I would pass on golf this year, dreaming of the quiet solo Tuesday evenings I would enjoy drinking wine, reading, weeding the garden, playing with the dogs, etc., etc.  But he signed me up anyway, stating that it was his treat. I am always getting treated to things I don't especially want.  

At least I know that he wants to spend time with me. 

That being said, I had a really good time with P last night.  We are both terrible golfers who have occasional shining moments on the course. We had very few of those moments last night. Luckily the team we were supposed to be playing no-showed, so it ended up being more like a date than a regular league night.  It was actually nice.  We caught up and drank beer and made derogatory Tiger Woods jokes at each other's expense.

Sadly though, for us on a date, this can be a rarity.

We get way too few dates.  Mostly this is because we are slaves to our jobs and constantly booked with social stuff.  However, sometimes I think we avoid dates because we frequently end up in fights while we are in public together, just the two of us.  Does this happen to anyone else?  Or are we doomed?

I feel like most couples happily plan and look forward to dates with each other, many even making cutesy references to "Date Night" in front of other couples, or marking their calendars with red heart stickers or some other ridiculousness like that.  I dread it. We argue over where to go and what to do, or sometimes we just argue over who's turn it is to choose where to go or what to do.  Then we get there, settle in to dinner at some restaurant that only one of us is really into due to the fact that we are complete polar opposites, and then we sit and make small talk until the shit hits the fan. Because it is often the first chance we've had in days or weeks to really sit down and talk, it starts to seem like as good a time as any to air some grievances. Then someone gets pissed, someone cries (ok, that would be me) and someone begins the silent treatment. Of course, we end up having a terrible time.  Seriously, is there something wrong with us? 

We argue normally, sure.  But most days, over dinner or laying in bed or during any other average moment of an average day, we engage in real and interesting conversation.  And we make each other laugh and smile and we goof off and flirt. All of this happens regularly around the house, in the midst of the daily grind.  But sit us down in a French restaurant with a couple hours on our hands and force us to "relax", and it isn't long before we are at it.  Quietly and through gritted teeth, of course, to maintain the appearance of being a happy couple out on adorable, red-heart-sticker, cutesy effing Date Night.  

What is that?

The Beginning of Denver Schmenver

Our one-year anniversary is in two weeks. We haven't killed each other this past year, not for lack of trying or wanting some days. We still love each other, and we are even pondering starting the child-creating process before my 35-year old ovaries actually shrivel and fall out of me on to the sidewalk. So all of that is good.

I never wanted to get married until I did want to, which came after five years of relationshiphood down some pretty rocky paths with P. We saw each other through a lot and managed to figure it all out despite our debilitating differences and our respective inclinations be so opinionated that we can't even stand to be in the same room with ourselves sometimes. The five years we made it through before our wedding day seemed like such a big deal at the time.  However, now, with the rest of forever staring us in the face and the prospect of kids and more dogs and more undone chores and hurt feelings and bouts of moodiness and forced in-law visits, and snowshoeing (I have tried all your damn sports, and I HATE snowshoeing. There is no Colorado law that says you have to like it! Stop trying to make me go!) five years seems like a minuscule accomplishment.  

This blog will be written and maintained under a pseudonym. The facts are:

• I am a professional writer, and I live in Denver, Colorado.
• I will be 35 this summer and am on the brink of finishing off my last package of birth control pills.
• I love my husband with every ounce of who I am, except when he is being an idiot, at which point several ounces of me are reserved for disdain, sarcasm, criticism, and sometimes unintentional meanness. But through all of this, I love him deeply, and he loves me back.
• Marriage is hard. Relationships with family and friends are hard. Deciding to have children and thereby combusting your current lifestyles into tiny pieces of former freedoms is hard, too.  But they are also all very, very funny. 

I am keeping this anonymous for now so that I can experiment with my own honesty.  I have been writing for other people for my whole life. This is mine.  And yours to enjoy and join in on the adventure if you wish. 

A few weeks after we got married, I would drive to and from work through quaint Denver neighborhoods, and I would look at cute houses with For Sales signs and think, "I'll get a house like that when I get divorced"  And I would even look to see if there was a big yard for my dogs. 

"Oh, nice, that privacy fence will come in handy when I am laying in my bikini in the backyard."
"This is a good school district. I might be a single mom at that point, so I gotta be prepared"
"Ooh, automatic sprinkler system.  Perfect."

I do not know if that is normal behavior. But that is what I did regularly for the first few months I was married, the reality and legality of the commitment apparently settling in at an odd angle. I feel better now, though.

Honesty experiment one: complete. That felt decent.   

Join me, won't you?