Earn Your Alcohol

Beer makes me fat. Well, beer and wine. 

And mojitos.  And the occasional margarita.  

And a good, strong Grey Goose and tonic.

In addition, when I drink too many of those things I begin to think I am beautiful and thin and, therefore, immune to calories. So, then I eat things like french fries and chips and greasy lo mein noodles from Peter's Chinese to counteract the feelings of thinness that accompany drunkenness and the subsequent starvation and self-loathing that come with the hangovers.

P and I both regularly drink beer or wine while we hang with our friends or go to fun social events or watch football or have a nice dinner. After all, this privilege is one of the good things that come with being DINKs and living in brewery-land, USA. However, as we have aged, we have both put on some weight.  And because we are quite active, we know the issue is the probably the drinking, as well as the foods we tend to eat when our ability to choose vegetables over bacon-wrapped butter pats is impaired.

We both have about 25 pounds to lose from our tall frames. We are not fat-fat, but we are active-fat. That is a phrase I just invented that is defined by the fact that we can run far and bike far and swim far, but we have not-flat tummies and maybe a little arm flab and the occasional double chin sighting. In addition, my particular brand of thighs should be required to carry a license of some sort.  We are muscular and strong and healthy, but there is some fat covering our muscles, and beer is the culprit, and we want to get rid of it (the fat, not the beer).

We probably would have a hard time quitting drinking cold turkey, and besides, why would we want to?  Our social life is very alco-centric.  We ski, and then drink beer.  We run races and then drink beer.  We hang out on patios with our awesome friends and have a margarita or two.  Rockies game?  Beer and a dog.  Maybe two of each.  Denver is beer country.  P works in the beer industry, and we like beer.  And wine. And mojitos.  And the occasional margarita. And a good, strong Grey Goose and tonic. We like all of those, too.

Do we sound like giant alcoholics?  I assure you that we are not. We both hold down good careers, maintain a household and are responsible dog-parents. We are functioning members of society, I swear.  I am even sober right now, the wine from breakfast having mostly worn off.  (Kidding!!) We are pretty normal, drinking-wise, except for that we cannot seem to stay as skinny as our other drinking friends due to our gene pool being polluted by chubsters from both sides.  Our future kids are so screwed.

So last night whilst we lay in bed discussing said future kids and other things that may or may not happen in the next year or so, we got on the subject of how we want to lose this extra weight.  P, who is a genius, came up with a system for earning our beer or wine, so that while we do not have to quit drinking altogether, we will surely be thinking about and earning every fabulous libation that touches our lips. I think it is going to be awesome.  

He basically divided up an Olympic distance triathlon, which consists of a one-mile swim, a 25-mile bike ride and a 6.2-mile (10k) run. He decided in his brain that each element of the triathlon would be equal to one beer or glass of wine or cocktail. So if you swim 1600 meters, you earn a beer.  Or if you go on a 25-mile bike ride, you can have a cocktail after work. A nice six-mile run or an hour on the elliptical gets you a glass of red wine with dinner that night.  If you are so inclined, you can save all the drinks you earn for the weekend and get crazy with your friends.  All drinks earned reset on Monday morning and do not carry over, but you do get an extra one on your birthday (I added that rule because my birthday is coming up, and it only seemed fair)

I made this magnetic weekly drink chart following a lunch-hour trip to Office Max and Michael's:

Picture is not great, but still, awesome, right? We swam together last night, so we each earned a cocktail. It's like a drinking game for the chubby, post-college crowd, like the new Jenny Craig, although we need a better sponsor. Someone who is slender and athletic but still likes to party. Matthew McConaughey?  Um, he seems like more of a Mary-Jane guy.  Hmmmm. 

Earn Your Alcohol.  EYA: It's like CYA, but a little bit more fun.

EYA is now actively seeking celebrity sponsorship. You heard it at Denver Schmenver first.  Patent pending!